Fast like you

I wish I were fast like you.
Fast in forgetting.
Fast in moving on.
Fast in falling in love with
random people
and letting go when they're not interested.

I wish I could just drop you,
like you drop me, 
in a blink of an eye.
In the blink of some other girl's eye.
And forget you,
forget what we had,
forget what you probably felt
at one point.
Forget my longing.

I wish I could.
But I'm slow.
My heart sticks.
You stick.
I wish I could just forget you
and move on.

Just like you.

Just like I do forget that
you move on after seeing one pretty face.
I forget that whenever I see you,
hear from you,
think of you.
And I think about you all the time.

Fuck you.

I wish you didn't exist,
I wish we'd never met.
Moving on would be so much easier.
And so would my life.

Pick up your perfect picture

Mourn him all you want,
cry, shout and sob your eyes out,
hide your moody face or show it.
Send those desperate words of
love, or whatever you want to call
your vanity.
Annoy him, chase him away,
even though it's the last thing you want.
Mourn what you've lost.
Feel sorry for yourself for not having your way
or what you think your way is.

But then move on,
move far away from here,
and pick up that perfect picture of yours.
Before you lose much more than you bargained for.
Much more than you deserve.
More than you have ever given anyone.

What you want most,
is right in front of you.
Don't be stupid, silly cow.
What you lost, was never what you wanted.
What you have, is more than you can handle,
but keep it close, treasure it,
and you will learn to deserve it.
Eventually.

Live with your mistakes,
live with your guilt.
But don't live with the tears you want to shed.
They don't even exist in the light of the tears
that would spill across your face
if I came out of hiding.

For the last time:
learn or I will expose you.
Cut!

Shouts in the dark

Just because I'm not supposed to 
shout it out,
I shout it out in the dark.
But I'd let everyone know
I love you,
if I could.
Everyone.
Even him.

I don't want to ban you from my heart.
I don't really want you out of my head.
You've made it quite cosy there, and
are clinging to stay, 
or is my head just locking you in?

You've thrown me the key
a million times over.
And I drop it time and time again.

Take my hand
and turn it with me.
Run free
or run alongside me.

But you were never mine to keep.
You will always be a wild animal.
And you will not tolerate me by your side
much longer.

Please tell me how I
can forget what we shared
and live again
instead of wait.
For you, for me,
for us to happen,
or never happen.

De dans van ver en dichtbij

Het is gedaan.
Dat vertellen we elkaar.
En dat is goed, dat is het juiste,
praten we onszelf in.

Het is voorbij, we gaan verder
en proberen te geraken
daar waar we altijd al heen wilden.

Of liever, waar we zeiden dat we
wilden belanden,
terwijl we eigenlijk - stiekem -
iets anders wilden.

Of niet dan?

Want nu, op het moment
dat wat we stiekem willen
onverwachts en plots
wel erg dichtbij komt
en wel eens écht zou kunnen zijn,
nu vertellen we elkaar
dat het voorbij is.

Jij bent nog nooit
zo dichtbij
en zo ver
tegelijk geweest.

Het voelt alsof ik je eindelijk
kan vastgrijpen,
terwijl je eigenlijk
net door mijn vingers glipt.

En weg ben je.

Om nooit meer terug te komen.
Want zo kan het niet verder.
En we zijn allebei bang voor de sprong.
Jij, en ik.

We staan klaar om te springen,
en telkens wanneer één van ons aanstalten maakt,
houdt de ander dat tegen.
"Misschien toch beter niet? Je zou je kunnen pijn doen."

Als we niet wij kunnen worden,
was ik je beter nooit tegengekomen.
Ook al wil ik je nu nooit meer kwijt,
nu ik je ken.
Toch wou ik dat dit nooit gebeurd was.
Voor jou, en voor mij.
Voor ons.

Ik wil ons niet kwijt.
Maar de dans van ver en dichtbij duurt al te lang.
En we kunnen niet blijven dansen.
Waar we belanden, hangt af van waar we zijn 
als we neerploffen, uitgeput.
En op dit moment,
mijn lieveke,
is dat ver van elkaar.